Healthy grieving
Grief—the sadness we feel when we lose someone or some-thing important to us—is an inevitable part of life. Yet very few of us are ever taught how to navigate its terrain in a healthy way. North American culture conditions us to turn away from our losses rather than toward them and to “feel better fast.”
Reluctance to face our pain can lead to distress in our bodies and limited growth of our souls. A wise grief counselor once told me, “It is not grief itself that causes problems. It is our failure to mourn that gets us into trouble.”
So let’s mourn. Yes, it will take time and energy. It will be hard. We will hurt so badly and wonder if we will ever feel good again.
And … we will be maintaining and moving toward health. Our bodies will not suffer from stuck grief. We will remain alive to our own lives. Our souls will enlarge.
I’ve never forgotten what an astute retreat facilitator said to me during a weekend when I couldn’t stop crying. “Cry as long as you need to,” he said. “The more pain you release, the more room there will be for joy.”
If you are in acute grief, I hear your pain and feel your disorientation. You may find comfort in this small classic.
This book is also a good place to start if you want a general introduction to the landscape of grief.
Granger Westberg’s awareness that grief can make it hard for us to concentrate shows up in short chapters written in simple language. In a kind and reassuring voice, he clearly describes and normalizes the disorienting dimensions of grief. Without airbrushing the difficulty of grieving, he shares his hope that our experiences with grief can be ultimately life-enhancing.
One caution …
The book was written when “stage theories” of grief were prominent, which can mislead us into thinking of grief as a linear process. With deep respect for Professor Westberg, I encourage you to mentally ignore his title chapters and to think of each chapter as another possible dimension of grief. Although there are common dimensions of grief, there is no standard set or progression through them.
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Eleanor and Litsa, cofounders of this website, both lost a parent to cancer in early adulthood. They have gathered the resources they wish they would have had access to in that very difficult season. Both are mental health professionals with grief and bereavement experience and friendly, accessible writing styles. Here are three posts that have expanded my understanding of grief in important ways.
You may be wondering how to grieve.
Given that grieving isn’t assigned much value in North American culture, most of us don’t know how to mourn our losses. We lack rituals and traditions beyond attending someone’s funeral and perhaps sharing stories about a loved one who is gone. What does grieving look like beyond that? These ideas may help you get started.
Prayer of Lament
Why it’s hard and ways to cope with this grief that may not be socially supported
Free, self-paced course for exploring your grief through creativity
A good book on grief can ease your loneliness. Three of my favorites …
From a globally acclaimed Nigerian author—an honest and vivid snapshot of being shaken to the core when her father died in 2020 and her family could not gather due to COVID-19 travel restrictions
From noted psychotherapist and grief sage Francis Weller—a lyrical handbook on grieving that details the deep rhythms and healthy ripening of grief work. You can also sample his work via these recordings.
From a mother, 25 years beyond losing her eight-year-old daughter—Grief felt like a bully dance partner in the beginning. Over the years, as Alisa Bair learned to dance with her grief, it became an intuitive companion who reminds her of love that never dies.